African tribes and how to create them
In the year 2099, humanity somehow managed not to blow itself up yet. It’s been 96 years since the human genome was sequenced and Dolly the sheep was cloned. Too bad all the sheep were gone during 2049. Humans time has travelled to the future and also returned in time to catch the last edition of the Superbowl as there is no Superbowl in the future, all of the time. America invaded by football. Artificial intelligence was implemented but quickly abandoned after AI-powered robots began to display human characteristics such as laziness, sleeping too much, asking for a salary and more, contrary to the belief that they would take control of the world. Humanity is still as close to the development of nuclear fusion as it was in 2016; it’s not even close. Cars however began to run on the water which has now become more expensive than gasoline.
Having successfully colonized Mars, the inhabitants of the Red Planet have now begun to demand the liberation of Earth, citing interference from Earth authorities in their daily affairs. Apple, after much protests, finally agreed to bring back the headphone slot it removed at the turn of the century.
As humanity dreams of the future, here is a glimpse of its origins through some recipes, featured in the 6th issue of the “Genetic Alchemy Cookbook” magazine describing how to create African tribes:
Ingredients: E1b1a 55%, E2 21%, B 20%, A 3%, Other 1%
Directions: In a medium bowl, mix the 55% E1b1a gene, 21% E2, 20% B, add a little A (about 3%) to mix well, cook until you see spears and voila! you just made a Zulu warrior.
Ingredients: B 56%, E1b1a 31%, A 4%, E2 4%, R1b 4%, Other 1%
Instructions: To make a pygmy hunter you need to mix 56% of the B gene with 31% of E1b1a, add small amounts of A, E2 and R1b genes (about 4% each), let stand for 5 minutes to equilibrate. If you can’t get the percentages right, go get a math degree in the meantime. Preheat the oven and bake at 425 degrees Fahrenheit, until golden brown. Congratulations! You have just created a pygmy hunter.
Ingredients: E1b1a 60%, E2 14%, B 9%, E1b1b 8%, A 6%, Other 3%
Directions: To make the Bantu people, take a pot and pour in about 60% E1b1a and 14% E2 genes left over from last night’s party. Now in a blender pour 9% B and 8% of the E1b1b genes and mix until you can not tell the difference. Pour the mixed mixture into the saucepan and sauté until medium brown. Be careful not to burn it or risk the wrath of the Bantu people. Finally, fill it with about 6% A and 3% other genes. And There you go! You have the Bantu people.
Ingredients: E1b1b 62%, E1b1a 24%, R1b 13%, Other 1%
Instructions for use: Take a salad bowl and cover the entire surface with 62% of the E1b1b gene. Now, in a separate bowl, take 24% E1b1a, 13% R1b, and 1% other genes and whisk them with plenty of water to create a perfect sauce. Now add this sauce to the bowl and mix until well combined. And believe it or not, you have your personal Tuareg fighter.
PS: If you are unsure of a measure, feel free to do a Facetime with any Tuareg fighter you know.
Ingredients: R1b 40%, B 16%, A 13%, E1b1a 13%, E1b1b 4%, Other 14%
Directions: Go to your yard and fire up the barbecue you had last Christmas. Take a barbecue skewer and fill it with 40% R1b, 16% B, 13% A, 13% E1b1a, 4% Eibib, and 14% other genetics to get a really colorful mix. Make sure the measurements are absolutely correct, otherwise the Hausa will miss a leg. Place the skewer on the barbecue until completely grilled. And you, sir / madam, have a Hausa tribe.